Give yourself the gift of time.
Understanding yourself enough to know when you need a break from the holiday festivities (and other people, let’s be honest) is important, especially if you’re in a relationship. I hear a lot of relationship woes stem from people not being able to ask for what they need, especially around alone time. Depending on how you say it, it could seem like a dick move to tell your partner “Hey, leave me alone right now.” I get it.
However, friends, being able to ask for personal time is critical to a healthy, stable relationship. When I moved back to Madison from Texas, my boyfriend and I had a big talk about expectations, one of which was how much time together and apart we’d like and how we’ll make sure to communicate these needs.
Because we know that we each like 2-3 nights a week just to ourselves, we aren’t surprised when a “recharge night” is requested. We know that it means we stay out of each other’s spaces and limit our conversation. It’s awesome. I can read my fantasy book club book (check out City of Brass if you’re into that kind of thing) and he can do whatever he wants uninterrupted. We get to plan whatever kind of day/night we want, recharge, and come back together fresh and excited about it.
During the holiday season, this practice is especially important because of all of the extra social and family events.
Learning to have conversations about the things you need, and your alone time, in a healthy way is a great gift for you and your partner.
Even with friends, you may be tempted to say yes to all of the events you’re asked to attend. You don’t have to. You can say, “No thanks, I need a break” and make that time for yourself.
Want to practice? Try out these openers:
“Hey Sugar-face (or nickname of your choice), I’m feeling tired with all of the events on our calendar. I’d like to take a night to myself and recharge, so that I can keep having fun with you the rest of the time. I’m going to turn off my phone and just stay in relaxing on (pick your day).” Maybe even ask if something like this would help them, too.
“Hi friend. Thanks for the invite to the candy cane eating contest tonight. It sounds like fun but I need some time to myself. I’m taking a break tonight and will see you for the ugly sweater party on Saturday.” Boom, you did it.
If this type of conversation makes you feel icky and weird because you don’t like telling people no or asking for what you need, then that’s a good clue to start getting curious about your boundaries and what you think “selfish” means. I’m happy to take a look with you and see what’s up. Let’s set up time for a sample coaching session to unwrap it (heh, puns are my favorite).
If you want to read more about this, here’s a recent article from the Gottman Institute: https://www.gottman.com/blog/dance-intimacy-independence-marriage/
Cheers!